The initiation is done... Crawling Chaos indeed! (long post tonight)

Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?Ash: Yeah, basically.Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every tiny syllable, no. But basically, I said them, yeah.
-(chaotes everywhere). 

Humor aside, how do I begin this one?  A lot has been building up, and I don't want this to seem anticlimactic, because I don't think it was, but Tonight was a roller coaster. 

Tonight began with terror, absolute, abject, indescribable looming terror.  
It then became mundane, almost boring, and anticlimactic.  I swear, I was convinced I was wasting my time, I "felt" like I was "faking" it just to finish it up. It wasn't without any signs or sensations, but it wasn't anything compared to the first or even second night.  I have SUPER high standards when doing this stuff, by the way.  Some might say unrealistically high, but I don't like to accept low-level subjective sensations, no matter how strange, they need a current of concreteness to them.  I need to FEEL IT STRONGLY or SEE IT WITH MY EYES or other senses before I say it was a full success.  Call me a skeptic if you like. Just remember it was Thomas the doubter that got to touch the wounds of Christ... Or at least that is what Terrence McKenna always said. 
Then it ended in a state of indescribable, otherworldly, Sinisterly cosmic horror, transcendental gnosis so far out beyond the norm for me, that I have only experienced anything like it during the most intense hypnotic sessions of my youth.  I was in a Zone.  I was not of this world... Let me explain - (you might want a snack and a drink, to borrow a phrase from Isaac Arthurs youtube videos, this is a longish one). 

Tonight, I decided to go big, or go home.  No more dicking around in the school field by my house... I was going back to my home turf.  To one of the most potent places I know, a place I have been many times, a place I used to practice lesser chaos, druidic, and Demonic rituals alone or with groups.  

In my hometown, there is a magnificent community cemetery that is pretty large, that is at the top of a hill that literally overlooks the place of my birth about 2 or 3 miles away by the water.  The Town hospital where I was literally RIPPED out of my mother's abdomen a little over 41 years ago, the blood soaking through the mattress nearly killing us both.

This place is where some of the richest and most powerful people in the history of the town are buried.  It has the perfect mix of graves from the distant colonial past, to graves and tombs and modern contrivances.  It has pillars, it has crypts, it has statuary.  It is where my Mothers mother is buried.  I've fought there, I've conspired there, I've cast rituals there, I've set off pipe bombs up there, I have even fucked there. 

Imagine this at night. You can almost see my place of birth in the back there.  

In the old days, the cemetery had what we called - the test of testicular fortitude #1.  (we had several) It was a secluded 5-minute trail walk from one section of the cemetery to the other.  This place was absolutely CRAWLING with the heebee jeebee supernatural presence that every black occultist gets wet dreams thinking about.  This trail led to the local pet cemeteries that the locals erected (illegally) in the backwoods.  Pillars of stacked rocks and shallow graves... I even buried my cat back there once on a stormy night... My wife held the flashlight.  Let me tell you, burring anything in the woods sucks, sooo many roots.   

We could tell if someone was psychically sensitive, or cowardly or both by how well they could handle walking that short distance alone in the dark after doing a little spooky theatrical ritual.  I won't lie, I've walked that path with friends many times, and almost every time we heard or saw, or felt something unnatural.  One night a friend and I both felt what felt like a small dog or large cat brush up against our legs like they might do if they are following you on a walk and trying to get your attention or keep pace with you.  I nearly tripped over it... We joked, nervously, that it must be the ghost of someone's dog... Who knows, I never saw it, and have superb night vision. 

It also had this utterly PERFECT spot for private ritual work, a small clearing where the workers put the spare dirt piles and sometimes old grave markers that had to be moved or whatever.  Yes, we're talking actual grave dirt for rituals, if you knew which pile was which. 

Anyway... In the intervening years since I last haunted that place (at least 10 years now), the cemetery needed expanding and they bulldozed the entire area.  The trail, the pet cemeteries (my poor kitty was probably unearthed...), and the ritual area. 

But checking google maps, I saw they created a NEW clearing for the dirt piles... It wouldn't be the same, but it was worth a try. 

On the drive over I felt a tightness in my neck, and shoulders, no I don't have any heart conditions, but I was nervous, it was certainly angina from anxiety.  My mouth was dry and I felt cold. I was worried about getting caught, or not experiencing anything supernatural, all the wrong kinds of thinking to have before doing something like this. 

I made it safely to the graveyard, and pushed my old rusty jeep up the steep winding turns to get to the overlook and main part of the cemetery.  I was listening to Cryochamber Nyarlathotep ( ), and my mind was FOCUSED on everything Lovecraftian and the Soul of the outer gods most of all.  I KNEW this was part of the process, part of the test, part of the experience.  I knew instinctively, and it is made very clear in the Black Book of Azathoth, that the final night of the initiation can be a doozy and be fraught with fear, that running in terror at this point means you are not meant to be part of the current at all.

I felt real terror as I stopped my car... I have superb night vision and I felt like I couldn't see an inch in front of my face.  The car was freezing cold without any AC on, meanwhile, the weather said 70 degrees.  I sat in my car contemplating the irony of performing this initiation, of being reborn in a cemetery that overlooked my actual place of birth... 

I wanted to go home.  I wanted to leave.  But I couldn't, I knew I couldn't I knew I had to prove to myself that if nothing else, I still had the balls to do stuff like this.  I had to pass Testicular Fortitude #1.  But this time it was like on steroids.  The scariest night on that trail felt like a warm cozy bed compared to how this felt. 

My back and shoulders felt like cold crawling fingers were making each hair stand on end one by one.  I began to fantasize about opening the car door and being sucked off into oblivion by some shambling horror from the abyss. 

I collected my wits and remembered an old trick my former Martial Arts Teacher told me who was a combat vet and marine instructor...

"If you're scared, force yourself to laugh.  not a nervous laugh, a hearty laugh, like Thor would laugh.  Laugh in the face of danger, trust me it works better than any meditation or breathing exercise I ever tried."

I tried it... a good hearty belly laugh.  It worked, for like 10 seconds, but I was still spooked, I began to wish I brought my shotgun... 

I got out of the car and took everything slowly.  I reminded myself that this was the same old graveyard that I had befriended decades ago, and it would welcome me.  The night air that had felt icy cold before, began to feel warm and sultry.  I walked around for a while taking in the sights.  The hospital I was born in and the harbor was all lit up in the distance and could be seen clearly thanks to clear-cutting of the local trees. 

It was lovely, absolutely jaw-dropping.  The fear and terror were leaving me. As if the spirits of this place, my gramma included were taking me by the hand and showing me around the place as they might do an old friend that had been away, might be shown the new furniture and new wing of the house. 

Finally, I came to the site of the rite. 

The old ritual clearing near the pet cemetery trail.  

It took me about half an hour to stop pacing around, talking to my crazy ass self, and looking over my shoulder, making sure nobody was lurking in the bushes.  

Finally, I got to work... I laid out the circle, cast the salt, lit the incense and the candles, and took off my shirt and stood in the center... I read directly from the book, too scared to take any chances on remembering anything wrong.  The air was oppressively hot... forget Indian summer, this felt like Arabian bbq.  I was sweating profusely.  

I spoke the lines aloud and made the third and final blood offering... This cut hurt a bit, and still aches even now, I felt the cruel Karambit bite deep when I began the cut, and the blood poured down, but I am practically a terminator so without even wincing I continued the cut across my arm... 2 inches across, much deeper than a scratch, but by no means the worst self-inflicted ritual cut I have ever made. 

The blood trickled down, past the elbow, down my wrist...  the fear was gone.  I was in my element now... I smelled blood, and my old Sanguinarian instincts kicked in.  I wasn't prey... I was a predator after all.  But still this was different, and I couldn't help looking over my shoulder too much in the wrong direction. 

(We got a bleeder! Also... is the happy face crying or is it just me?)

I made sure to offer my blood as part of the incense, and added it to the sticks by smearing it. 

I stood and tried to feel Nyarlathoteps presence, I tried to visualize as instructed, but I just didn't feel much of anything.  I began to feel really stupid, really weak, really gullible.  Then I felt a gentle shudder, and a thought occurred to me out of a clear blue sky which I spoke aloud -

"The rite is meant to be done on the first day of the waxing moon... and completed on the 3rd.  Not started on the 3rd and finished on the 6th..." 

I drew a deep breath. It had been very rainy this week and it wouldn't have been wise to try it, but it dawned on me that I had, in all honesty, miscalculated, I never used to worry about lunar phases much beyond new, and full. I felt like a kid being scolded by the teacher for late assignments.  

I stood and felt truly foolish, and was about to pack up and go home when I heard movement. 

Looking around I saw nothing, and went back to the book, and read the next part... The rite was finished, and now was time to sit in silence and wait for the candles to burn out, or the incense, whatever came first. 

I remember a thought entering my mind - 

You have attained a high level of mastery of the right hand, it is now time to master the left, and with both hands work wonders. 

I took this to be a message that I had gotten what I needed from Dialectic monism by itself, it was time to move beyond JUST zen, and related ideas, it was time to go full demonic black magic again and learn to make them play together as a team.  this wasn't super revelatory I had already kind of surmised this, but hearing it at this time was meaningful.  So I'm reporting it here.

It got boring again... was the longest few hours I've experienced in a long time.  But I fought back urges to walk away, certainly not before asking for permission. 

I began to get uncomfortable, I stood, I sat, I stood again... then I began to notice the feeling of things crawling all over me, insects that should have been present all along, finally just appearing.  I felt every kind of creepy crawly and spider and ant and mosquito. I got bit three or four times in 20 seconds, and it got so bad I had to put my shirt back on.  I swatted at everything, I even saw 3 spiders, one of which was dangling off my face, and gently escorted it away. 

The Crawling Chaos indeed! I thought, and my spine exploded with chills. The bugs stopped almost instantly at this thought. 

SIGN!  We have SIGN!

Still, even with that, the vigil portion of the rite was uneventful, I saw a few shapes move out of the corner of my eye, typical nighttime hallucination explaination would suffice for this with the open flame 

I made offers of service, and requests for instruction and companionship.  Talked about how I would await a sign from them of what they desire and I would aspire to bring it as an offering if they will agree to teach me the skills and abilities I desire.

Eventually, I was down to 2 candles and the incense was out, I had no visions, no sound of trumpets, just a few bug bites, and low-level signs.   I didn't feel powerful acceptance, nor powerful rejection.  I felt almost like it was a given - as if I had done all this without need. As if just making it here and not giving in to fear was the experience, and this was just the punch and cookies after the baptism. 

It was getting late, and I asked for permission to leave, I would leave at the first sign of any disturbance that wasn't already obviously part of the night sounds all around me.  After a few moments, I heard the sound of a heavy piece of wood land, or a foot stomp nearby.  I took this as my cue... 

I noted a large palm sized rock that I never noticed before in the middle of the circle with me, it stood out for some odd reason, though being a fairly ordinary stone.  I took it in hand, it felt warm... I put it in my bag for study later... 

I cleaned up as best I could, and walked back to my car, my night vision was stronger than ever, and what began as a dark scary place was now just an ordinary cemetery after dark.  Peaceful, pleasant, and relaxing.

I got in my car and began to drive.  I meant to go home, but I didn't.  I drove and drove, and drove.  My eyes glazed over as I began to enter a trance-like state... I was headed for the beach, for the harbor... For the rich part of town and the lonesome deserted roads. 

The darkness was utterly mind-numbing, I felt like I was in a DEEP DEEP hypnotic dream state.  Time had no meaning, there was only the road, and the gnosis of no mind.  

I knew somehow that the expression on my face was that of a serial killer psychopath in a movie getting ready to pounce on a victim.  I would have been scared, but I knew this wasn't predatory as much as soothing. 

I was invoking something, likely Nyarlathotep. 

I cannot describe how much this felt like I was one of Lovecrafts characters, like the one from the Book, or the Haunter in the Dark.  But not a victim, more like a willing moth to a cold flame.

I was descending into a state of madness, I knew this from prior hypnotic experience with demonic invocation etc.  If a cop pulled me over at that moment, he would have been talking to a man with empty eyes, the eyes of a dead man. 

Without any thought, I turned off my headlights and drove about a mile in utter darkness. This was the rich part of town down by the water, so they don't have ANY street lights.  But I could see to drive somehow just fine.  It was dark, but I somehow knew the details and could see it well enough to make educated guesses. 

I eventually turned back around, finding the beach I was headed to was closed for the night and I wasn't interested in going in really anyway, I just HAD to see water.   I hate the water by the way LOL.

Somehow I got home, I am not 100% sure how, I see only snippets of memory of coming home, but I  pulled into the driveway and began writing this almost right away.

If you were to interview my wife she would tell you the glazed eyes and haunted look on my face was still strong,  was convinced that the REAL meat and potatoes of my interaction tonight was in that powerful hypnotic state I had entered, and only barely dropped out the rest of the way shortly before I began writing this.

I suppose I shouldn't have expected fireworks. I have been told by many before that the kind of experience I had tonight is on a level that some practitioners have to work for years to attain.

However, for me, someone with the sordid history of insanity I have, I felt like this was entry level stuff.  Except for that Gnosis.  That was grade A, Prime, fresh rolled, mega concentrated bath salts level out of my mind. 

Imagine pulling this guy over in the middle of the night and asking for his license and reg?  Those eyes are dead, look at how empty but serious they look.  They'd probably shoot me.  I can see why it can be so dangerous to encounter people in the middle of working with these beings. I felt like I would be inclined to do anything... 

THAT was mind-blowing.  I felt like the 23 current, the Lovecraftian heebee geebee insanity stuff wasn't just psychosomatic, but 100% some current of consciousness I tapped into.

I will call this a successful initiation... however, I will say, the cemetery has lost a major part of it's mojo, it just doesn't feel spiritual charged like it used to... But that means I need to do some more work and see if I can't get it buzzing again.

I won't kiss and tell any more than I already have about this for now, but suffice to say - I will be doing a LOT of working with Nyarlathotep now.  There are tools to consecrate, offerings of blood to be made. 

I said YES!  *fans lashes to keep the tears from running*
I will now be wearing this ring as a symbol of my pact with these beings... I will likely consecrate it or empower it in some way soon after the main tools are finished. 

Join me again for another blog post, probably sometime this weekend.

I will need to take a short rest, and break from working with these beings, I don't feel weak or drained, but I do feel like it's time to process, and wade back into the current in a few days.

Thank you all for reading this so far... Until next time - 

Mind the Shadows  -D.H. Thorne


Popular Posts