I am the darkness that crawls into you

It is important to not dwell on what has been done or experienced when working in the occult.  You need to release the intent, and the energy, you need to BREAK the ties to the thoughtforms and entities you have been attracting or creating.  It is a key part of the process, to move on.  Though sometimes we are given messages or there are after effects that are hard to shake, and we have to confront or wrestle with them.  Sometimes the POINT of the working IS to be focused, or dwell on the thing in question.

That being said - I felt psychically hungover this morning I had that same dirty but content feeling someone might have after a bender of sex and drugs and depravity with a crowd of libertine hedonists your mother warned you about.  I woke up today with a sore spiritual asshole... (It wasn't rape, apparently, I asked for it) a feeling of utter isolation and an utter unease at the thought of a quiet solitary day.  Like waking up from a nightmare and wanting to watch some silly children's cartoon to remind you that everything is back to normal.  But alone I sit in my home, even my dog is treating me a little differently.

Uneasy and unsure.  Like I kicked or hurt her in some way.  Not fearful, just distant.  She still comes when called, licks my hand obsessively, but it's like I'm a stranger.

OK, this could just be my imagination, or maybe she simply isn't feeling well.

I do feel that this is an important part of the reporting process, to keep a journal of things even the mundane.  Often times one can be standing in the center of a meaningful pattern but be unable to see it until one has distance and can see it from above or from far away.  Like the Nazca lines in the desert.  I or some other lunatic like myself may happen upon this old page and glean some gem of insight I myself lack right now.

All day I felt a stillness, not a depression, but a stillness... a solitary feeling of self-isolation.

I feel like I am alone in a barren featureless desert, sitting cross-legged in the shadow of a terrible pinnacle.  A black tower of Onyx or Ebony... A thing with no doors, no windows, no features.  But I know I must enter it somehow.  Why?  I don't know.

Then it dawns on me...

Is this the tower of Koth?  Is my next step to journey there and enter? Or is it my fate to simply be trapped in its shadow?

I need to clear my head, to not dwell on the 23 current for too long, obsession, madness, these are the hallmarks and risks of successful working with this system.  But a quiet voice in the back of my mind says -

Is it an obsession to be tuned into reality?  Is it an obsession to walk on two legs?  To see with two eyes?  Is it an obsession to think thoughts about sex or food?  Is it an obsession to see the current of the old ones and want to explore it fully as one might want to go on a hike through a mysterious forest?  I do love hiking...

Insanity always has a way of rationalizing itself, hiding as a sane decision.  Yet to second guess oneself is a sure path to even greater lunacy.

It is as if every word I speak reminds me of something I read in the book or some occult tangent.  Everything has become a kind of synchronistic call back to something I had forgotten, or at the very least, forgotten to think about in a very long time.

Sometimes I get a moment of clarity, and I realize this is the proof I keep saying I want. These endless revelations, these moments of synchronicity and knowing.

Time is an illusion you see, like the waves in the pond after a drop hits the surface, radiating in all directions in space.  Yesterday is an illusion we create, based on the need to explain the present situation - So, of course, it makes perfect sense and seems that there are causes and effects.

And the future is a vision of the now you desire or fear most.   But it is always now... Always forever - Forever always.  (this Zen moment brought to you by NothingCo, the nothing company.)

See what I mean?  These kinds of thoughts are always bubbling somewhere in the back of my being, surfacing as fortune cookie wisdom at the least appropriate times.  Except when I do it at the right time and people think I am the second coming of the Buddha. Which, if they understood things, would make no sense... he's already here.  You are him... Like we all are him, like I am you and you are me... why's that such a mystery?

Stop it!

No don't... keep it coming. I need this... sweet nectar of gnosis.

Can you be addicted to psychic things?  As a former sanguinarian, I can say yes... Silly vampires... Blood is for mosquitos and ticks, do you lay eggs after you feed?

OK, taking it down a notch...

I had a moment of revelation today that made me laugh like a maniac.  back in the old days when I would explore past life regression and automatic writing and allowed the demonic being that fused with my soul to tell its story, I would have visions of and speak of the great tower on the floating continent/Island in the sky.  This was a place of mighty dragons and their riders... But when I would tell this tale, or write it, I was always compelled to say that this place was an analogy, a metaphor, an impression.  That it was what I wanted it to be, it was not really a place of dragons, but something else.

I was thinking of the Tower of Koth and how I would probably make that one of the first major things I do once I consecrate my ebony wand.  I would go there and see what's what.  And I began to think about it... and BANG the vision of the dragon's tower appeared in my mind as if I never stopped thinking about it.  Understand when I tell you, I had stopped thinking about it, I stopped remembering it. I had filed it away, it was gone and lost forever.

This is like remembering your favorite stuffed bear you had when you were 5, and realizing it was gone, and that the last place you left it was at your mom and dads house, and when you went back, it's still there in your old room collecting dust, preserved by your mother all these years in case you ever want to come back and be her darling baby again.

I keep flipping through the book committing new things to memory, remembering things I didn't know I knew.  Deciding things to do next, whispering thanks to Qayin for this book... I don't know if it's still his path or not, but if it is in any way related, I would love someday to find him in that house he wrote about in the book, and have a word with him... I feel like we have a lot of things in common.  I'm a bit more outgoing I think, but that is just the nature of dialectic reality.

Enough... I must rest... I must shift focus, play a video game, make love, go for a walk in the sun.

Yes... Numan was truly inspired when he wrote this song -

Don't let the dark into me

We killed the angels that warned us of you

Don't let the dark into me

We raised the tower of Babel for you

Don't let the dark into me

We let the children build temples for you

Don't let the dark into me

Don't let the vengeance of Heaven be you

That is all for today, Saturday... I have a birthday party to attend, I will be celebrating it outwardly for the guest of honor, but for me internally it is my own, my own rebirth... The sleeper HAS awakened.

Mind the fucking shadows - D.H. Thorne


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